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Ask Anna: When A Former Partner Refuses To Disclose His STI Status To New People

"Ask Anna" is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.

Dear Anna,

I found out today that a former sexual partner of mine has a fun bag of STIs that he didn't disclose to me while we were sleeping together. This person has since become a (nonsexual) close friend of mine. We work together in art. He's a cornerstone of the artist community I've become a part of. I've also learned he hasn't disclosed his health status to any of the women he's been with since me, including his current, serious new partner (who he met through the community).

How do I even begin to sort through this situation? Do I leave the community? Do I tell everyone I know in the community? I don't want my own sexual health/experiences to become some juicy bulls--- in this group. I also don't want to leave the group and leave the women in the group, or their friends — who he will probably try to sleep with — at risk. I don't want to lose the friends I've made in this community. He had a hard convo with his best friend (a woman) where he promised he learned and was telling people. He's not. He's still doing it. The woman he's dating right now didn't know. Like longer term partners, friends, not just random hookups.

I understand the stigma but it's also like — you look me in the face every f---ing day and you don't care for my health. My body. How the f--- are we still having to #MeToo right now? Guidance please. — Fast and Furious

Dear FF,

What a doozy of a question. This is an undeniably difficult situation that involves not just your and your former partner's personal lives but also the health and integrity of a community that you love. It goes without saying that this issue should be approached delicately, but it's critical to remember: You are not responsible for his actions nor the consequences of them.

To help with your predicament, I reached out to Kate Sassoon (sassycooperates.Org), who has more than two decades' experience with group conflict management, facilitation, and is well-versed in the ins and outs (pun unintended) of artist communities.

Sassoon encourages you to focus your attention on his dishonesty rather than his sexual health status. "STIs are tricky topics, yes, and sexual safety is a relative thing in a risk-balancing world and none of that matters because the actions he took showed blatant disrespect for the agency of another person that he represented himself as respecting."

That he did this not just with one person but with multiple people, repeatedly, shows "a pattern of disrespect, and it does neither him, you, or your community any honor to permit it any longer."

(For more on the repercussions of such harmful behaviors, Sassoon recommends reading "The Missing Stair.")

At the end of the day, this is fundamentally about respect and taking responsibility for one's actions. His lack of transparency and information sharing limits others' ability to make informed decisions about their own health and body, as you're well aware of.

"... He didn't provide them with the full information they needed to consent to their relationship, and in doing so, disrespected them and potentially put them in harm's way," Sassoon emphasizes.

The decision to stay in or leave the community is also complex, but remember, this is your community too. You have every right to remain a part of a community you have invested your time, energy, and talent in. Leaving a community you love because of another person's actions might feel like an additional injustice.

First step, one-to-one intervention

While going public with his status is not your responsibility, when considering the potential risks for others, particularly other women in your community, it may be worthwhile to escalate things. Plus, as Sassoon points out, "If this person is truly a close friend, then you probably care about his personal growth and learning journey, and no one turns on a dime."

It's tricky, however, since you and at least one other person have tried a one-to-one intervention already and it didn't stick — he's still engaging in harmful behaviors. If three or more people have tried to talk to him about it, Sassoon notes, chances are likely that more attempts will have the same result, and it's time to try something different.

Second step, small group intervention

The next possible escalation, Sassoon suggests, is to form a small group of directly affected individuals (three to seven core people, with more who can back you up virtually) who are willing to confront him on this issue together.

In this approach, the group would "let him know that they see him, see what he's doing, and that they're going to start publicly disclosing it to other members of the community in a less-than-public blast, but still actually public way."

Sassoon emphasizes that this conversation should be done with love and compassion in order not to increase stigmatization, yet still maintain the critical need for accountability. Honesty about your own personal experiences with STIs can be a part of normalizing the conversation, if you're open to that level of vulnerability.

Sassoon notes that this tactic is most effective when allies — meaning other men in this community, people he might want to sleep with, or anyone with significant status or resources he might want access to — join up as a part of that group. Because in an arts community, "reputation really matters and so do access to resources, so build your 'intervention publicity group' with those lenses in mind, and you'll be much stronger."

Third step: Nuclear option

If the small group intervention fails, Sassoon says there is a "nuclear option" — a full public shaming campaign, although she doesn't recommend it, due to its potential to backfire. "It tends to stick to the shamer as well as the shamed."

Final thoughts

Lastly, Sassoon warns to prepare for the possibility of being ignored or disbelief, advising that you have "your whisper network and rage room and self-care plan ready."

Remember, also, that your anger, disappointment and sense of betrayal are completely valid. Despite the strides made, we indeed still live in a world where awareness and respect for consent are not always upheld, leading to situations where the #MeToo movement remains necessary. But these moments are also an opportunity for us to stand up, seek accountability, and ultimately, foster change.

Accountability, respect and empathy should be at the heart of all our relationships and communities. And while dealing with this situation is intense and challenging, remember that it's also a testament to your strength and resilience.

Stay strong, FF. We're with you.

Anna Pulley is a syndicated Tribune Content Agency columnist answering reader questions about love, sex and dating. Send your questions via email (anonymity guaranteed) to redeyedating@gmail.Com, sign up for her infrequent (yet amazing) newsletter or check out her books!

2023 Subaru WRX By Prodrive Review: Subaru Won't Build An STI? No Problem

2023 Subaru WRX by Prodrive Review: Subaru Won't Build an STI? No Problem photo

Being teased is never any fun, yet that's exactly what happened when I was given the keys to the 2023 Subaru WRX by Prodrive. This modified Subie isn't a huge departure from the stock WRX. However, it's also not a huge departure from the previous-gen STI. Could this be as close as we can get to a new-gen Subaru WRX STI? The answer isn't as straightforward as I'd like it to be.

Just two hours after landing at London's Heathrow Airport, I arrived at Millbrook Proving Grounds. My job was to drive this new, sweet-looking WRX and its VIP sibling, the $600,000 Prodrive P25, on the track. The goal? To experience how Prodrive, a motorsport and engineering company responsible for some of the winningest race cars on earth, could improve the new and more mature WRX with a few mods.

Michael Shaffer

It's important to note that neither Subaru nor Prodrive ever floated the term "STI," but it's hard not to think of it when you talk about a 'roided up WRX. Furthermore, they never revealed any intent to actually sell this car to the public at all. So where did this leave me? Well, it left me with a hopped-up Subie, a race track, and a bunch of questions. So I got to drivin'.

Base PricePowertrainHorsepowerTorqueSeating CapacityQuick TakeScore

2023 Subaru WRX by Prodrive Specs

The Mods

Nothing super heavy but also a bit more elaborate than a bolt-on cold-air intake. Let's start with the biggest and most noticeable one: that rear wing. Boy, it looks good, don't it? Quite similar to the one on the mega-dollar P25, the wing makes the WRX look like it means business. It's impossible not to think this is how a new STI could look.

While the front end was left alone, the car's profile got plenty of love from Prodrive. Custom fender flares widen the car by 30 mm and are painted to match, giving the car more visual oomph. Of course, there's also a sweet set of gunmetal gray Prodrive wheels also borrowed from the P25. These are wrapped in 255/35 R19 Bridgestone Potenza Sport tires which provide exceptional grip without sacrificing ride comfort or multi-season performance. Peeking out from behind those Prodrive wheels is another considerable upgrade to the WRX: AP Racing brakes. The front gets six-piston calipers clamping down on 380-mm rotors while the rear gets four-piston units with 343-mm rotors. All four corners get sport pads for better braking performance.

Story continues

Stiffer anti-roll bars in the front and rear as well as upgraded suspension bushings help keep the car balanced during cornering, while Prodrive-tuned Bilstein dampers and lowered springs improve the car's dynamics while giving it a much sportier look.

Under the hood, a revised ECU offers a considerable bump of 30 horsepower and 33 lb-ft of torque over the stock car's 271 hp and 258 lb-ft, bringing it to a grand total of 301 ponies and 291 lb-ft of torque. Nothing too wild here but just enough to make things interesting.

Everything inside the cabin remains the same, with the exception of the front seats. The driver and passenger stock units are replaced with sweet-looking (and very comfortable) Sparco SPX buckets. These offer enhanced bolstering for better body support during cornering, but they never felt intrusive even for a big guy like me.

Michael Shaffer

Driving the Subaru WRX by Prodrive

Ardent readers of The Drive will know that the stock WRX is already pretty fun to drive. More refined and mature than previous generations but still a hooligan of a motor vehicle at its core.

In that context, Prodrive's version is exponentially more rowdy. Step hard on the throttle and you'll be rewarded with brisk acceleration that's bound to put a smile on your face. Nothing like the P25, of course, which is constantly trying to assassinate you. The WRX doesn't try to kill you. Instead, it'll give you a high five and say, "Come on, let's do it again!"

To that, I couldn't help but oblige, and lap after lap, the WRX gave me more reasons to smile. I was impressed with how sharp it cornered, likely the result of the suspension upgrades. It's beautifully damped and provides enough cushion to mute all of the track's imperfections without masking the car's cornering prowess. Putting the brakes to the test ahead of Millbrook's first corner, they performed well when summoned.

The anti-roll bars made the biggest impact in the back section of the track. A series of esses with elevation changes demanded a lot out of the car and driver in order to be taken at speed. It was a lot of fun to throw the car around from side to side knowing the tires were right on the edge of their grip capabilities.

I couldn't help but compare it to the Honda Civic Type R and wonder how awful that car's noticeably harsher suspension would've felt around Millbrook's bumpy surface because the Subaru never lost its composure. It's that rally pedigree, I suppose. The Sparco seats too, were much more comfortable than the Honda's.

Nimble, forgiving, and an absolute joy to drive—that's how I'd sum up my time in the Prodrive WRX. It's a bit of a point-and-shoot kind of car. Just aim at the corner, choose your line, and hit the throttle. Unless you get things horribly wrong, the car will somehow see things through and make you smile from ear to ear.

Michael Shaffer

Is This It, Then?

For now, the WRX by Prodrive remains an engineering exercise. Neither Prodrive nor Subaru has any plans to offer this setup as a factory package. However, there was discussion of offering the mods as a kit or as standalone parts in the future. No promises, though.

Hopping out of the immensely fun Subaru WRX by Prodrive left me longing for a new WRX STI in a way that I didn't before. I'm picturing it now: a true, boxer-engined, all-wheel-drive Subaru monster to rival the current batch of sport compact heroes. Sharp, rowdy, and composed, if the WRX by Prodrive is a showcase of what to expect from a future factory pink-badged WRX, the future of the sport compact is mighty bright.

Email the author at jerry@thedrive.Com

Test Drive: Subaru WRX By Prodrive Brings Back Some STI Edge

Subaru is clearly contemplating what comes next as an edgier alternative to the WRX.

One such possibility is the WRX by Prodrive, a thoughtfully upgraded performance version of the current model for track days and performance driving.

The edgy alternative at Subaru dealerships used to be the WRX STI, which the company announced in March 2022 wouldn't ever come back in the same form. "In the meantime, a next-generation internal combustion engine WRX STI will not be produced based upon the new WRX platform," Subaru said with startling finality. That doesn't mean the STI is dead. Subaru hinted in the same statement that the STI may come back with electrification. Consider how the fully electric Solterra STI concept shown last year might fit alongside models such as the Kia EV6 GT. But that would be a very different car. WRX by Prodrive, Prodrive P25, and Isle of Man Time Attack WRX STI As I recently experienced at the UK's Millbrook Proving Ground, with a little time in the driver's seat, the WRX by Prodrive shows how Subaru might provide loyal enthusiasts with their fix, despite a changing landscape. This trick WRX was put together by Prodrive, a UK firm known for tuning and motorsports support—and for creating the exclusive $600,000 Prodrive P25 supercar I also drove at one of Millbrook's handling courses. Subaru WRX by Prodrive While I'm pretty much charmed by any WRX, this one starts on the right note. One of the most distinctive elements I lock onto from across the infield addresses a pet peeve with the current WRX. Body-colored wheel arches in this version replace the stock car's black-lipped ones, which simply venture too far into Outback and crossover territory. The wheel arch extensions add more than an inch of overall width, which probably adds to the impression—and there's a rear wing that looks similar to the P25's. It also gets the same size wheels as the P25, wearing P255/35R19 Bridgestone Potenza Sport tires. Prodrive says its WRX makes about 30 hp more than the stock WRX thanks to remapped engine management, putting total output just over 300 hp versus the standard WRX's 271 hp. On the relatively tight road course, where I'm mostly in third gear with brief digs into second, it's hard to feel that difference without a stock WRX on hand, but it feels robust and flexible in the midrange revs. Subaru WRX by Prodrive Subaru WRX by Prodrive Subaru WRX by Prodrive As I find in the same handling course where I drove the P25, there is one immediate, distinct difference versus a stock WRX: Its upgraded Sparco SPX front seats are a smart upgrade, as the car corners a lot flatter and they're needed to hold occupants in place. Prodrive has boosted anti-roll bar stiffness front and rear, upgraded the suspension bushings, and uprated the specs for both the Bilstein dampers and springs. The brakes have been upgraded, too, with a package similar to the P25 bringing 6-piston calipers in front and 4-piston calipers in back—larger all around, with sport pads. Only on my last lap do I begin driving this WRX hard enough to step hard into the brake pedal, and it's more decisive than the stock WRX's for sure. While it's hard to tell how much harsher this setup might ride on real-world roads, it doesn't give the impression that it might make the WRX's capabilities any less accessible. Like the best STI models—the 2008-2010 model in my mind—it opens up new potential. Subaru WRX by Prodrive Subaru WRX by Prodrive Subaru WRX by Prodrive The relative simplicity of the package and upgrades stands in contrast to the seemingly endless tuning changes and upgrades that STI models used to boast over the WRX. There's no quicker-ratio steering, selectable center diff, or resonating exhaust, to name just a few. If you can put some of those expectations aside, you're not sure waiting for an electric STI is quite your thing, and you just want a better WRX, well, here it is. Neither Subaru nor Prodrive will say if this might be sold as a package or a standalone car, by Subaru or by Prodrive, and price certainly isn't mentioned. However, both insist that this represents a smart but relatively frugal set of accessories and improvements built on the stock Subaru WRX, which starts at $31,625 with a 6-speed manual (as this one has) for 2023. Seeing that Subaru of America got me out here, and it's built on what's essentially a U.S.-spec left-hand-drive car, it's safe to say they're interested.

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